What was that? Oh yeah, I guess I did call this game a piece of shit..
Well, that's it for this week.. join me next week.....
Fuck, I forgot I have to review this game..
That's just great, It's not enough that I had to play through this terrible shit game, but now I must talk about it. It's like therapy.. but your therapist is a sadist.
Ok.. Fine.. Won't you join me in reliving this horrible shitfest? (And not just scroll down to the score saying to yourself, "This guy's fucking insane..")
Here we go..
This kind of reminds me of what Brandon Lee said to Michael Wincott in "The Crow"..
"I have a gift for you.. 30 hours of pain.. All at once.. All for you.."
That pretty much sums up this game.. it's a pain in the fucking ass.
So, if you haven't played it yet.. then stay far the fuck away. If you have played it, then you will probably understand the points I am about to make.
The Good:
Although there is not much I can say about this game that would be slated as "good".. The game did have a few moments that seems vaguely inspired. The problem is that they just didn't seem to care enough. The first level is probably the best level in the whole game.. and after that it all seems to go downhill.
The Bad: I can not believe they charged $59.95 for this game. It should have been a $14.95 downloadable title at best. It suffers from just about every single problem a game can have. The lack of support for this title is also unsurprising.. 9 days after launch and no plans to patch this turd.
The Story:
The game revolves around 3 main characters.. Jimmy Smitts, Halli Berry, and that old fuck that does the voice-overs for World's Wildest Police Chases.. all who seem to have an affliction for talking on their IPhone. I'm not going to sit here and spew out spoilers, so let's just say they all have their own motives for being an asshole to not only each other, but also towards every other character in the game.
The Gameplay:
It's your standard first person shooter fare.. point and shoot. Seems simple enough, right.. Jumping shouldn't have even been included in this game, due to the fact that it is un-needed and worthless. There is zero hit detection.. you never feel like "I actually just shot that motherfucker..". You can only throw a grenade about 25 feet.. and that's only if you are standing in the middle of an open field. Otherwise, standing near ANY object will cause the grenade to bounce off either an object or thin air.. landing it directly at your feet. The shotguns are worthless unless you are standing close enough to someone to ask them for a cigarette. It all seem like an un-inspired, bland on rails shooter, that loves to kill you for no fucking reason what-so-ever. Seriously, we had problems as to where you would just simply drop dead for no reason. The game will glitch on almost every single level. Forcing you to exit the game, restart the lobby, reinvite your friends, choose your weapons, wait for the game to start, and replay the entire fucking level again.. because the devs have no fucking clue what a "restart checkpoint" option would be for.
The Graphics:
The graphics are kind of a murky mess in this game.. The game starts out in a pot field, and your thinking, wow.. this doesn't look bad. But, after that, you are sent into generic house after house which all look the same, for random gunfights. The first level, and the last few levels.. are the only decent ones. The entire middle of the game, each level looks the exact same.. and even though there is a level select in the main menu.. you still won't properly know if you are on the right level to do what you need to do there.
The game is also plagued with pop-ups jaggies, poor draw rendering, and enemies that will flat out disappear when shot. I shit you not.. they just fucking disappear into thin air. And this happens quite a bit. During team entries, where you will all 3 use a kick-door technique.. a slow motion moment will start and about half the time all the enemies will refuse to spawn. That's right.. you kick in the door to an empty room, that should have about 15 bad guys. So, the graphics are pretty much shit.
The Sound:
The game contains remixed versions of the Bound in Blood soundtrack.. plus alot of new tracks. But alot of the time.. the sound will cut out entirely.. leaving you to think your headset is fucked. If the frame rate ever drops down to one frame per decade, the sound usually says, "Fuck it, I'll join you..". When it works though, it works. The song/background music was chosen nicely, and seems to fit into the game well.
The Lasting Appeal:
With this game being so eternally fucked.. I cannot see why any sane human being would want to play it beyond finishing it once. And at that point, only a trophy hunter would continue this madness.. otherwise, send it back to Gamefly, sell it, or take a drill to it, because you will never want to play this piece of shit again... ever.
The Multi-player:
Although the co-op is not bad, it is also broken.. on 3-player co-op is where we had the bulk of the problems for this game. The non-story multi-player is just fucking sad.. bland objectives, lack of players (surprise, surprise), even worse graphics and sound than the main game, in-ability to join matches.. the list goes on and on. So, the multi-player sucks as well.
The Trophies:
As stated above, if you choose to continue playing this garbage.. there is a platinum available. (Which we all 3 received..) The trophies consist of your standard "Beat the game on hard" shit, but then continue on to "Beat the game with every character" type shit. Otherwise it's headshots, chapter completion, X number of kills with each weapons, speed runs, collectables, co-op, and the don't fuck up trophies. There's even a trophy called "Peeper" you get for watching a topless pole dancer for 30 seconds. Overall a pretty easy platinum.. especially in 3-player co-op.
So, to sum up this game.. unless you have NOTHING else to do, do not play this game.. stay far, far the fuck away.. THIS IS THE WORST GAME SO FAR THIS YEAR.
In conclusion.. fuck this game.
The Bottom Line:
Story: 3.0
Gameplay: 4.0
Multi-Player: 1.0
Graphics: 4.0
Sound: 4.0
Lasting Appeal: 2.0
Overall: 3.0
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