In my book, nothing worth a droplet of shit is going to be released before November.. So, it's "Take whatever the hell you can get" time. Personally I would love to set you all down, and talk to you about the wondrous splendor that is Skyrim.. But much like my own situation, my parents fucked too late so there's an epic wait till Skyrim is released. If your not following that logic, then well.. whatever.
So, with a heavy heart, I will do my best to give this game a fair shake. After all, alot of people sat around trying really hard to come up with a good game for people to play, and also tried to make something that fans of the show would really enjoy. With that being said, and without further ado.. Here's my Psycho Saturdays review of Man vs. Wild...
Are you ready?...
THIS GAME FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There we go.. I've been waiting to say that all week.. Feels much better sharing that.
Well, see you next week..
Wait..
There's more?
Oh god no..
You want me to review this whole game..
GDI WTF...
Fine then...
But you probably won't like it..
I'm warning you..
If you don't want to be offended or read spoilers, then please go ahead and leave now..
Now, if your still reading this.. then it's your own damn fault.
I warned you.
The Good
The overview of this game, like the show, sounds awesome. One man, dropped into the most harsh climates on Earth.. trying to survive and make it out alive.. sound great does it not?
The Bad
The level design of this game is downright laughable. There are only 5 levels in the game.. with each taking about 45 minutes to complete.. I say 45 minutes.. because if you take any longer than that.. you will be fucking dead.. and drinking your own piss will be the last of your concerns.
The first level alone is by far the hardest.. I was lost as hell and had to start all over due to two factors..
1. Your health, despite your best efforts, is constantly draining down until you are dead.
2. You have no map, have no idea where your are going.. and the QTE's do not trigger properly. You will have to walk around until you are DIRECTLY standing upon the spot where the QTE is triggered. Can't find the QTE? Better drink your own piss.
Levels 2 -5 are much easier.. with the exception on a minor part on the last level to where you are supposed to jump from one sheet of ice to the next one.. only you fall into the frigid waters and your health just plummets down to nothing before you can get the fuck out. And even if you make it, the game actually makes you do fucking JUMPING JACKS untill your body warms up to the point your piss thaws so you can drink it.
All the generic level design bullshit is here..
Forest Level.... Check!
Swamp Level.... Check!
Desert Level... Check!
Frozen Ice Level... Check!
It's like Tomb Raider without tits, and designed for retarded people. No, I take that back.. that's an insult to Lara Croft's dumb ass.
The Ugly
The worst thing about this game by far is the last 5 minutes. If you don't want it spoiled.. then stop reading here...
Ok.. still with me? Good..
This stupid mother fucker has to catch a train.. and I quote "Bear Grills Style..."
Here's what that consists of..
Getting a rope that he magically pulls out of his ass, to make a lasso.
Then lassoing a wild horse.. which is hard because every single step you take towards the horse.. it runs away further. Once you finally lasso the fucking horse.. you must ride it down a mountain. Bear can survive almost anything, but if you hit a tree limb the size of a pencil.. he gets knocked off the fucking horse like a candy ass, the screen goes black and it's back to the fucking checkpoint. Time to lasso that fucking horse again.
Once you make it to the fucking train... and this is the shit part.. you must hold R2 to match the speed of the train.. when you get it to the "sweet spot" Bear will stand up on the back of the horse. At this point while holding R2 PERFECTLY, you must use the left analog stick directly left or right to make him balance on the back of the horse. Now while holding R2 Perfectly, and balancing Bear's candy ass on the horse, the door to the side car of the train will be opening and closing very rapidly.. as soon as it opens.. all you have to do is press the X button.
Oh yeah, and its worthy to mention.. THAT THEY DO NOT TELL YOU NOR GIVE YOU ANY MOTHER FUCKING INDICATION OF WHAT THE FUCK YOUR SUPPOSED TO DO FOR THIS ENTIRE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS..
I am an expert gamer.. and it took me over 40 tries.. half of which was figuring out what in the unholy FUCK they were asking my to do....
This game can suck my fucking balls and rot in the depths of hell for all eternity.
The Trophies
If you can stand horrible controls, decent graphics, have no map or way point, and finding a shitload of "collectables", all while your health is constantly draining. Then this game is a trophy whore delight.
There are 7 gold, 8 silver, and only 6 bronze to collect during this shit fest.. all of which should take you less 12 hours to collect.
So, if you have nothing to do.. (while Sony is finding new hamsters to replace the dead ones that were running PSN, those mother fuckers), or if you've just never seen a grown man drink his own piss.. then give this game a try. Hell, it's good for quick trophies if nothing else.
Story: 3.5
Gameplay: 5.0
Multiplayer: N/A
Graphics: 6.0
Sound: 7.0
Lasting Appeal: 2.5
Overall Rating: 4.8
I would like to take a moment to ask forgiveness for my absence these last two weeks.. it's been extremely busy round here.. so to all my reader's and fans.. ahh.. here's a great big Fuck You from the bottom of my heart!
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