Podcasts From The GFGN (Warning: Offensive)

This is a list of the pod casts we did at The GFGN, in case you want to hear more. Warning though, most are extremely offensive. These are a little dated, but funny none-the-less.  Enjoy. These are some of the ones I could salvage.



#8
Hello, this week we talk about the PSN outage, Mass Effect 3 being delayed, and reliance on multiplayer.
   The Grenade Free Gaming Podcast # 8 by thegfgn


 #9.
  GFGNpodcast9 by thegfgn 


 #10!!!!!!  The Grenade Free Gaming Podcast # 10 by thegfgn-1 



 #11
   The Grenade Free Gaming Podcast #11 by mikemicp_107


#12
Check out the new podcast with Warmuff, Dialgamarine, and Knightedrik.
The Grenade Free Gaming Podcast #12 by mikemicp_107


#13

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon Trophy List

Welcome to the party, pal
Finished Helicopter Entry

One Small Step
Finished First Garrison

Way to Go, Garri-Son
Finish all the Garrisons

Kill Them All
Finish all the Predator's Path Quests

End Game
Finished Final Showdown

Nice Like Jesus
Finish all the Hostages Situations

Murder Nature
Kill all the Animal Types

Set Them Free
Destroy 5 Braincages

Just the Tip
Kill a Dragon with the Bow

Blood Dragon Down
Kill Your First Dragon

Dragon Slayer
Kill 25 Dragons

What are You Reading For?
Find all of Dr. Carlyle's Notes

The Greatest Format of all Time
Find all VHS Tapes

Hail to the King
Reach Maximum Level and Become the Ultimate Badass

Running man
After saving Darling, enter Combat Mode with a Dragon and Return to Stealth

Tooled Up
Own all Weapons Attachments

Derp
Jump Down from 50 Meters

The Drug of the Nation
Find all TV SETS to Decrypt the Hidden Message

The Only True Stopper
Headshot Every Type of Enemy

Perhaps you need to listen?

The truth is.. well.. here.

Fuck Everything (Jon Lajoie)

Hilarious.

Micro-Transactions Rant

Ok.. I thought we'd ease back into this with and easy target.  The battle lines have been drawn, and we've even yet to see the war.

There are many facets to this subject, and as much as I would like to mention all of them.. let's focus on the ones that really hit home for everyone.

I'd like to give a shout out to SA-CharlieLima1 and DEATHINETERNATY from PSN for suggesting this topic. Fuck both of you for making me write this shit. lol.. j/k.

I remember back in the day, when I was just a little bastard, and the internet was mearly a wet dream of Al Gore's. We had the NES. That's the Nintendo Entertainment System for those of you who are to drunk to be reading this. The games we had then were far from perfect, but they set the stage for what was to come. An onslaught of awesome for years to come.  These games were hard as nails, and if you couldn't succeed in completing them.. they just laughed in your face while skull fucking your temper into a blood soaked rage.

 That being said, you knew this when you bought it. You buy the ticket and take the ride.

But, over the years.. I've noticed games are getting much easier.  And now, these days.. most games can be finished in a few hours or so. This is because of two reasons:

1. People don't care to aquire the same amount of skill that was needed years ago. And Dev's know that.

2, People are fucking retarded, due to the fact that they feel entitled.

You know it, you've seen it with your own eyes.. so fuck you, I'm just the one to point this out.

Most gamers today fucking suck.

It's nothing personal. It's just that they simply don't care.

You see this everywhere.

It's mostly because of the fuck it "team mentality" that games like Call of Duty amply provided. Why be the best, when I can be on the team WITH the best. These people are the barnacles on the asses of gaming everywhere.

 Either that, or they are drunk, high, stupid, or 12 years old. Most of the time, it a combination of more that a few of the previously fore-mentioned.

That brings me to another point, People.. keep your god damn kids off Mature rated games. But that's another post entirely.


Now that that's out of the way..

I will say this, alot of people spent alot more money these days then in the golden age of gaming.

And dev's know this too.

It's one thing to sell enhancements for a game.. like say something that might make the game more fun or easier for your second time through. Or, even maybe something that might help the drunk/retard crowd get though the first few hours. (Darksiders 2) But, when you start to go down that road, it begins to get really dark. And to tell the truth.. we haven't even reached dusk yet.

 I said it before, and I will say it again.. There's a huge fucking crash coming, and I hope to hell you have your helmets on.

More and more now, we are starting to see games being made simply to sell extra shit.

This "free to play" shit is just gearing up, and if your not careful.. before you know it you'll be sucking a dick to get $5 in order to buy pink fuzzy slippers for your dragonmaster/cleric/dildo merchant to wear while annoying the fuck out of me in game.

It's just begun, and I'm already hating it. Yes.. hating it.

Fuck you people. Have some god damn restraint. You, yes.. you. You are ruining gaming.  The only reason developer's make this stupid shit, is because they know you will buy this stupid shit.

Fucking stop it.

It's invading everywhere I look. I can't even sit down to play a simple fucking game of golf without being prompted into buying way overpriced shit that I do not need.

As a matter of fact, damn near ever EA game has this shit going on currently, and it's only encouraging the indie studio's to do the same. Alot of the games you see poping up on PSN and XBLA have this method of robbing your wallet.

I blame the fucking MMORPG's (god knows I love them) for starting this dumb shit.

So, please remember, next time you fire up a new game.. and it asks you to spend even more money than you spent for the game itself.. Think about what your doing.. To yourself as a gamer, to gaming as a whole, and to the economy. Stop buying stupid shit.

God forbid that have to make a game good enough to sell on it's own merits.. right.

You know what, fuck it.. your not going to listen to me..

 Blow all of your cash on stupid shit, suck a mountain of dicks.. just remember to log off the fucking planet when your done.

Psycho Saturdays will continue..

Psycho Saturday is what I have always called my game reviews, the next one will be up the soon. I will also be posting a few other things this week. So, sign up for the site.. and they will be emailed right to your inbox.

 Enjoy..

If I have made you laugh..

..and you enjoy your time here.. Feel free to donate. All amounts accepted.

The money will be put to a good cause. And thank you from the bottom of my heart. My assistant gathers all funds for the blog.

Final Fantasy X-III Review (PS3)

Ok.. so here we go. Alot of you knew this was coming.. and before I get started, I would like to let you guys know that alot has been going on lately. We here at the GFGN have been going through some staff changes, as well as wondering which way the whole SOPA thing was going to go. So, I guess we kind of took a mini-vacation.  To tell the truth, unless you want to hear even more about Battlefucked 3 or Modern Whorefare 73, there really hasn't been much going on since around November. So, soon we will have a bit more of everything. Videos, walkthroughs, reviews, and even stupid fucking posts written only to make you laugh. So, without delaying this shit any further..

Final Fantasy XIII-2



After the meth induced shit-fest that is FFXIII was released, fans of the series started to bitch. And bitch they did.. so much so.. that the rep's at Square-Enix came right out and said "We have no idea what the fuck you people want anymore."

While I kind of stood silently in dis-belief, I couldn't help but wonder how they could not hear the collective voices of 70 million fans screaming in unison.. "Remake Final Fantasy 7 you cunts."

That being said.. here's Final Fantasy XIII-2.. Square-Enix's own unique way of saying.. "We really don't like money."

So let's break it down, shall we?

The Good:
 It does seem like SE did try to appease the few fans they have left.. They took FFXIII back to the drawing board, and found a way to inject the very things that the masses were bitching about.

Don't want to click the X button 76 million times? We fixed that.
Want more playable characters? We fixed that.. kind of.
Want mini games? How much money do you have?
Final Fantasy XIII was to straight forward? Well best of fucking luck.. we hope you don't like getting lost.

While they seemed to fix most of these problems, it comes off like some kind of smart ass response.


The Bad:
I can't help but mention that the things they did to make this game better, also made it worse.

Instead of having a more strategic overview, they dumbed it down. Still thinking the same failed logic of "Western players do not like difficult games". With the introduction of "Easy" mode and the auto battle system.. even the shittiest of shitty players could breeze through this game and at least get the story. There is still parts that are slightly challenging for the 100% crowd.. but you would be surprised how many people just don't give a shit about that.

As for playable characters.. you get 2. Sure other characters make a return appearance, although briefly.. and you do get to "recruit" monsters to fight with you. The monster part is pretty much simple, kill a monster and you can use it from then on. The 2 character you do get, still suffer from the same curse that FF games have has since FFX, once upgraded.. they can all do the same exact shit. Making them seem bland and generic.

Mini-games have made a full on return in FFXIII-FU.. This being in my mind as I played though the game.. and at about the 10 hour mark, I reached a giant palace. Outside is a casino ticket in a floating retarded orb they like to call a treasure chest. And I'm thinking, "Finally, I get to check out the mini-games! I hope it's kind of like the Golden Saucer from FF7!" I walk up to the giant doors of the "casino" only to find out that they are locked. "Shit", I thought to myself.. "How much longer are they going to make me wait?" After completing a bit more of the story, I arrived back at the "casino" to find the doors wide open. "O hell ya!" I said as I jammed my way through the worthless text the bitch was spitting out. "This is going to be awesome." After 20 minutes trying to figure out just where the fuck I buy casino coins.. I can't help buy think, "Where are all the games?"  Finally, I get my coins.. but after walking around a bit.. there are only 2 fucking games! Chocobo racing and slot machines. "Fuck!", "There has to be more, right? After all this fucking build-up, there must be more than 2 fucking games!" So, I explore.. and come across an NPC in the main plaza, whose only job was to tell me to "Come back later, some parts of the park are still under construction!"



You know what, Fuck you Square-Enix! What an incredible dick move, making players PAY for mini games. Fuck you right in your poorly aging, cancerous asshole..

Anyway...


The Story:
 My sister disappears at the end of the last game, and now I must quest my ever-loving fucking ass off to find her.. Sound familiar? It should.. it's the same exact story from FFX-2, minus a penis.
Seriously, there is no story.. it's like they said, "Fuck it.. let's just take that Chrono Trigger 3 game we were going to make, fuck it up completely.. throw in some chocobos and a moogle and get fucking paid!"

The Gameplay:
The fighting has kind of stayed the same from FFXIII.. with a few overall tweeks. Everything flows alot smoother.. and as I said before, with the "retard" button.. you should have no problems other than changing paradigms. The game is no longer 50 hours in a narrow hallway though. Now you will struggle to fumblefuck your way through the overwhelming time gate system. You will have to explore areas to find artefacts to open time portals in order to continue the story. You have the normal timeline, the timeline after it has been changed, the alternate timeline, and the timeline where they just say fuck it and do cocaine in the Taco Bell drive thru.  Throw in some chocobo racing, and farming for crap to raise your monster friends levels.. and that's pretty much it.

The Graphics:
Nothing much has changed here.. seems they used the same graphics engine they used in FFXIII. And if anyone knows how to shine up a turd.. it's Square-Enix.

The Sound:
The background music in this game is unbelievable one minute, your roaming through a town while a melodic tune plays on, and then upon encountering a boss fight.. japan death metal. Just wow.. it works out better than you think it would.

The Lasting Appeal:
This I guess, would depend on your attention span. Although while not a bad game.. it is a bad Final Fantasy game. You can get lost in this game for hours, and that's a definite plus. But with all the really awesome games upcoming.. you might want to wait on a lull in your list to snag this. Overall, I would say 1 playthrough and done.

The Bottom Line:
Story: 4.0
Gameplay: 6.0
Graffics: 10.0
Sound: 8.0
Lasting Appeal: 2.0

Overall: 6.0

Dead Island Review (PS3)

 Most of you reading this think one of two things.. Either I am absolutely insane, or I am completely opinionated.  And actually, it's kind of a little bit of both. You see, when sitting down to write this review.. I am somewhat of a loss for words. Maybe this is help to clear up your confusion:

I fucking love this piece of shit game.

You get it? Cause I don't.

I fully believe this is a fantastic game. I also fully believe this is a fucking piece of shit.

I know it's strange.. but that's how I feel about it. I spent about 20 hours playing thru the game in 3 player co-op, with my good friends JFizzleback and XcYco, and even played quite a bit by myself.. and I am still kind of confused.

So, in addition to this weeks review.. we are going to explore this from the frayed, borderline psychotic standpoint of an "opinionated" first class internet asshole.



Dead Island Review By Knightedrik

Going into this game, I heard several things.. but the number one thing was "This game is like a cross between Oblivion and Left 4 Dead."  And knowing that, how the hell can you not give this game half a chance? Upon starting up.. you choose your favorite stereo-type (Redneck drunken asshole, aborigine ex-police officer, washed up rapper, or Ms. Swan from Mad Tv) and your off on your way.

 At the start you are simply trying to escape the hotel.. After searching a few dark rooms, and gathering several hundred dollars from wallets.. I round a corner and hear: "Run! It's the infected! Get to the end of the hall!".  And while making the choice of directions as to "where the fuck is the end of the hall", I get brutally gang raped by 4-6 zombies.. and killed in about 2 hits.

Fuck..

 That pretty much sets tone for the rest of game.. You die about every 12 seconds, skill won't help you.. and lingering is the thought "This game fucking hates me."

 That being said.. I'll try and not throw in any spoilers.

The Good:
 The game attempts to be one thing early on, and something completely different later on towards the end.  In the beginning it really is like having the first real FPS/RPG/Survival Horror/open world game.  There are plenty of weapon choices, equip the best and sell the rest.. in order to get enough money to buy the shit you need to craft the best of your weapons into better weapons. The island is quite large, with the map being close in size to the size of the map in Infamous 2. The island is beautiful, the problem is you won't be there for long.

The Bad:
  Sometime about halfway through the game.. you start to slowly realize that the open world thing is rather lacking, and all the "fetch" quests seem to pile up to the point you almost don't care anymore. The game ends up feeling shallow.

The Story:
   The story consists of basically a series of quest, with very few short cutscenes to expedite it along in the slow parts. If only doing the main quests, this game could probably be completed in about 6-7 hours. You pretty much have but one goal.. To survive the island. Personally I find this hilarious, because all you do is die.
  If you are playing single player, you will reload to the last "checkpoint" upon death. In multi-player you will simply re-spawn in 7 seconds.  The problem here is that in single player the checkpoint system is rather spread out.. meaning you might have to do the same shit a few times in a row in order to progress. In multi-player, they seem to re-spawn you where ever the fuck they feel like it. It could seriously be between 10 feet to 5 miles away from your "team".  And with everybody dying all the god damn time, it makes it kind of hard to keep any kind of order to things.. and the game feels more "chaotic" than it should.  All in all, the story here is basically non-existant.

The Gameplay:
   Imagine is you will, if a games like Oblivion and Far Cry had a watered down, slightly retarded, generic offspring.. with zombies.
"This is a zombie game man, where are all the guns?".. you might ask.
 "Guns you say, HA! Here's a dildo.. ram some nails through it and fuck straight off!" says this shitty game.
 Gameplay is as follows.. Jack wallets, kill shit, make weapons, kill more shit, complete sidequests, kill even more shit.. all while trying like hell to upkeep your 2,000/1 kill death ratio. That's pretty much it.. so if sticking an electrified katana up a zombies ass sounds fun to you.. then you have found a masterpiece.

The Graphics:
   Being one of the shining points in the game.. the graphics are quite good. Chapter 1 will have you out for a stroll on the beaches.. which are nearly stunning.. but after that it goes to more of a "Resident Evil" kind of setting, buildings, hallways..etc. Everything looks good.. but the first impression is the best your gonna get.
The Sound:
   From the moaning of zombies, to the cries of the flocks of seagulls over head.. the game is quite solid in the sound department. All the bone jarring force of hitting a zombie with a sledgehammer translates very well thanks to the feedback in the controller.. which is perfectly sync'ed with the sound of bashing in a zombies ribcage.
The Lasting Appeal:
   This is where most games have their most obvious weak point. After you beat the game, and reach the max level.. what is there to do? Nothing.. nothing at all. This game is rather short and sweet.. and when it's over.. it's over. Which in turn means, if you have been wanting to pick up this game.. wait a few weeks, this game is destined for the bargain bin.
   One more thing I would like to say about the lasting appeal of this game, Resetting everybody's stats on day 2 via a fucked up patch, does not encourage me to purchase your shitty game.
The Trophies:
  The trophies are pretty easy for this game.. that is of course if they fucking work. I got this game from Gamefly.. and I liked it.. release day I played it for about 12 straight hours. Upon resuming to play this game on the second day.. there was a patch to be downloaded. Which long story short.. reset everyones stats back to zero. Alot of the trophies are for achieving a milestone in your stats. 250 blunt kills, 250 sharp weapon kills, 250 kills with guns, drive X miles.. all reset due to stupidity or sadism, I haven't figured out which yet. So, on the second day, I had to restart working on all of those trophies that required grinding. Fuck you Deep Silver.

All in all, I did have fun playing this game. The multiplayer is much more fun than the single player.. so if you have a couple of friends, your ready to roll. But, I would not buy this game again. Rent it, if you do want to buy it.. wait about a month and it will be the same cost as a happy meal.


The Bottom Line:

Story:          3.0
Gameplay:       6.0
Multiplayer:    7.5
Graphics:       7.5
Sound:          6.5
Lasting Appeal: 2.0
Trophies:       4.0

Overall: 5.2

Captain America (PS3)

  This week.. I would like to take a moment to thank all of our readers who come by the site day after day.. week after week.. to read all of our articles, watch the videos that we post, and listen to our podcasts.. You guys are kick ass. We have some big surprises in store for you soon.. So stay tuned..

Now where were we?  Oh yes, this weeks review.

Well, if you come here and are reading this expecting me to absolutely hate this game.. then I have some news for you.  I do not hate this game.

Actually it's pretty damn good. I mean not the best game ever, but just really good. Don't look at me like that, I'm just as surprised as you are..

Do you think I like getting hold of a game that I waited months for thinking it would be a goldmine of negativity, simply to be let down by slight awesomeness?

Well, I don't..

It leaves me thinking I should have reviewed the god awful Phineas and Ferb game instead.. Now that is probably going to be a pathetic piece of shit. But since our editor Spencer threatened the entire office with bodily harm if he didn't get to review it, I am left with Captain America. A game that is making haters eat large mounds of shit on a daily basis.

 I am seriously hoping some of you will just give this game a chance.. you might just enjoy it as much as I did.

So here we go..



 For every game Sega fucks up, I am left sitting and thinking that one of these days, we will see one good one.  While I still think that Sega is the the retarded, inbred cousin of the gaming industry, sometimes some companies are just too stupid to die.. for a reason. And after releasing this game, it leaves me to wonder just what the fuck they were smoking when they released their last 20 games.. and how the hell do I score some.

  For those of you who don't know or might have just immigrated from some shithole 3rd world country, Captain America is a Marvel comic book character.. one that has led a comic book series going all the way back to about the 1930's or 40's. 

  This GAME though.. came out about a week ago.. and I feel the devs working on this.. should be allowed to take the devs that worked on the Thor game, released by Sega a few months ago, out to a back alley where they can proceed to shoot them in the fucking face.

  The Good:

 This game has similarities to a few games, some could argue that it is alot like Batman AA.. although its more like a Prince of Persia type game.  You basically go around beating the shit out of bad guys with your bare hands, while occasionally throwing your shield at them. The game has a combo system, which is not overly difficult.. but gets the job done.  This game is also thrust into that famous "Trophy Whore" catagory.. meaning its easy as hell.  And while lasting a mere 8-10 hours.. even the dumbest, drooling ps3 or Xbox fan can have 1 more platinum trophy or 1000 gs.


  The Bad:

  Although I cannot say much in the way of anything bad, it would be nice if this game had a tutorial.. I did not have the manual, and a few things were not exactly easy to figure out. But through trial and error, you should be stomping the shit out of robots with the best of them.

   The Story:

  The story for Captain America: Super Soldier is written by comic, film, and TV writer Christos Gage. The primary writer for the Marvel's Avengers: The Initiative series of comics, Gage has written numerous books for major Marvel characters, including Siege: Captain America, Iron Man, X-Men, Spider-Man, Civil War: House of M, and Union Jack.

  The game takes place in one large open world city, over the course of one day. Dropped behind enemy lines, Cap lets his fists do the talking as he bashes his way to the top of the food chain. Well, due to a disappointing last boss we'll just says he goes as far as he can.  Red Skull's army are notably some of the biggest pussies I have every fought in a video game.. some of which you can take out with just a single punch.

   The Gameplay:

  Being loosely considered a "sandbox" title.. you are let loose in a city that is quite large. Getting from point A to point B takes quite a while, but once the sewers are opened up.. you can get to just about anywhere in a matter of minutes. And that's a good thing too, because your going to need it. Missions send you off randomly through the castle, and there are many, many collectables to find along the way. If you do not find them all on your first sweep, then you will be doing a bit of backtracking.

  And for those of you that think the game is "too easy", there is a challenge mode with 10 challenges that will test your ability to stomp some serious robot ass. Be warned though.. due to time constraints, these challenges will not be a walk in the park.

    The Graphics:

  While not being top-notch, the graphics are also not bad either.. they are pretty much good throughout.  Everything is sharply defined, and sets the mood nicely. The level designs are well thought out as well.. making this game even that much more fun. I will say they could have made each enemy soldier group look a little more varied. There seems to be about 12 different types of bad guys, and they just keep swapping them out at random.

   The Sound:

  The soundtrack is done well, further setting the mood.. but after a few hours you've pretty much heard it all and its time for some Avenged Sevenfold or your favorite music to kick ass too.

   The Lasting Appeal:

  There is really no lasting appeal to this game, like I said above.. even a complete moron could finish this game in 10 hours.. and that's doing everything you need to do to earn the platinum trophy or 1000 gamer score. After that you will probably just sell it, so it better to just rent this one.

   The Trophies:

  The trophies come fast and furious in the game, simple ones like X number of kills with X, beat the game, complete the challenges, and find all the shit. You do not have to beat this game on hard.. there is no trophy for difficulty, so knock yourself stupid and dial it down to retard.

   To sum it up, I had fun playing this game, it's an easy game that most gamers can complete in one sitting.. but you will be having a blast while playing it.  And that's pretty cool in this era of gaming.. beings as most games feel like work more than play.

 In conclusion.. Rent this, I wouldn't buy it.

 The Bottom Line:

 Story:   5.0
 Gameplay 8.0
 Multiplayer: N/A
 Graphics: 6.5
 Sound: 5.5
 Lasting Appeal: 3.0
 Trophies: 8.0

 OVERALL: 6.0

Call of Juarez: The Cartel (PS3)

I would like to start off this week by giving a shout out to my co-op partners for this... "game". And those two people are Nobull99 and Silent_Strike777.. You guys did make this piece of fucking shit a little easier to bear.

What was that? Oh yeah, I guess I did call this game a piece of shit..

Well, that's it for this week.. join me next week.....

Fuck, I forgot I have to review this game..

That's just great, It's not enough that I had to play through this terrible shit game, but now I must talk about it. It's like therapy.. but your therapist is a sadist.

Ok.. Fine.. Won't you join me in reliving this horrible shitfest? (And not just scroll down to the score saying to yourself, "This guy's fucking insane..")

Here we go..



This kind of reminds me of what Brandon Lee said to Michael Wincott in "The Crow"..

"I have a gift for you.. 30 hours of pain.. All at once.. All for you.."

That pretty much sums up this game.. it's a pain in the fucking ass.

So, if you haven't played it yet.. then stay far the fuck away. If you have played it, then you will probably understand the points I am about to make.

The Good:

Although there is not much I can say about this game that would be slated as "good".. The game did have a few moments that seems vaguely inspired. The problem is that they just didn't seem to care enough. The first level is probably the best level in the whole game.. and after that it all seems to go downhill.

The Bad: I can not believe they charged $59.95 for this game. It should have been a $14.95 downloadable title at best. It suffers from just about every single problem a game can have. The lack of support for this title is also unsurprising.. 9 days after launch and no plans to patch this turd.

The Story:

The game revolves around 3 main characters.. Jimmy Smitts, Halli Berry, and that old fuck that does the voice-overs for World's Wildest Police Chases.. all who seem to have an affliction for talking on their IPhone. I'm not going to sit here and spew out spoilers, so let's just say they all have their own motives for being an asshole to not only each other, but also towards every other character in the game.

The Gameplay:

It's your standard first person shooter fare.. point and shoot. Seems simple enough, right.. Jumping shouldn't have even been included in this game, due to the fact that it is un-needed and worthless. There is zero hit detection.. you never feel like "I actually just shot that motherfucker..". You can only throw a grenade about 25 feet.. and that's only if you are standing in the middle of an open field. Otherwise, standing near ANY object will cause the grenade to bounce off either an object or thin air.. landing it directly at your feet. The shotguns are worthless unless you are standing close enough to someone to ask them for a cigarette. It all seem like an un-inspired, bland on rails shooter, that loves to kill you for no fucking reason what-so-ever. Seriously, we had problems as to where you would just simply drop dead for no reason. The game will glitch on almost every single level. Forcing you to exit the game, restart the lobby, reinvite your friends, choose your weapons, wait for the game to start, and replay the entire fucking level again.. because the devs have no fucking clue what a "restart checkpoint" option would be for.

The Graphics:

The graphics are kind of a murky mess in this game.. The game starts out in a pot field, and your thinking, wow.. this doesn't look bad. But, after that, you are sent into generic house after house which all look the same, for random gunfights. The first level, and the last few levels.. are the only decent ones. The entire middle of the game, each level looks the exact same.. and even though there is a level select in the main menu.. you still won't properly know if you are on the right level to do what you need to do there.

The game is also plagued with pop-ups jaggies, poor draw rendering, and enemies that will flat out disappear when shot. I shit you not.. they just fucking disappear into thin air. And this happens quite a bit. During team entries, where you will all 3 use a kick-door technique.. a slow motion moment will start and about half the time all the enemies will refuse to spawn. That's right.. you kick in the door to an empty room, that should have about 15 bad guys. So, the graphics are pretty much shit.

The Sound:

The game contains remixed versions of the Bound in Blood soundtrack.. plus alot of new tracks. But alot of the time.. the sound will cut out entirely.. leaving you to think your headset is fucked. If the frame rate ever drops down to one frame per decade, the sound usually says, "Fuck it, I'll join you..". When it works though, it works. The song/background music was chosen nicely, and seems to fit into the game well.

The Lasting Appeal:

With this game being so eternally fucked.. I cannot see why any sane human being would want to play it beyond finishing it once. And at that point, only a trophy hunter would continue this madness.. otherwise, send it back to Gamefly, sell it, or take a drill to it, because you will never want to play this piece of shit again... ever.

The Multi-player:

Although the co-op is not bad, it is also broken.. on 3-player co-op is where we had the bulk of the problems for this game. The non-story multi-player is just fucking sad.. bland objectives, lack of players (surprise, surprise), even worse graphics and sound than the main game, in-ability to join matches.. the list goes on and on. So, the multi-player sucks as well.

The Trophies:

As stated above, if you choose to continue playing this garbage.. there is a platinum available. (Which we all 3 received..) The trophies consist of your standard "Beat the game on hard" shit, but then continue on to "Beat the game with every character" type shit. Otherwise it's headshots, chapter completion, X number of kills with each weapons, speed runs, collectables, co-op, and the don't fuck up trophies. There's even a trophy called "Peeper" you get for watching a topless pole dancer for 30 seconds. Overall a pretty easy platinum.. especially in 3-player co-op.

So, to sum up this game.. unless you have NOTHING else to do, do not play this game.. stay far, far the fuck away.. THIS IS THE WORST GAME SO FAR THIS YEAR.

In conclusion.. fuck this game.

The Bottom Line:

Story: 3.0
Gameplay: 4.0
Multi-Player: 1.0
Graphics: 4.0
Sound: 4.0
Lasting Appeal: 2.0

Overall: 3.0

Shadows of the Damned (Ps3)

Alrighty then, guess who's back... Don't look at me like that.. it's not my fault.. the site was in pieces and I was chained in the basement.  After chewing my way thru the ropes, I found out that the entire site had been changed up. Everything's new now.. and I am now able to post more reviews.

So, yeah.. Back to business.. I am the newest admin on TheGFGN.com so I guess I have alot bigger shoes to fill now.  So, as always buckle the fuck up, cause it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Now, I have to ask myself.. "Why the hell would they want the insane guy to write the review on the insane game?"  I guess they will think it's going to be "funny" or something... Well fuck them, I'm going to write this entire article and not be "funny" once. That will teach them to pigeonhole me. Fuckers.

  After all, it's not like this game is that crazy.. I find crazier shit that this in my breakfast cereal. But, it does kind of some off as an "over the top" kind of thing.

I will try and do this review and have it contain no spoilers.. but it's not like I can see the future or edit this shit. You see, my keyboard has no delete key.. so, what you see, is what I write and what you get.




Sometimes a game comes along that makes you say "What in the unholy FUCK am I playing right now?"

 And now we have another one! Shadows of the Damned is a game made by Grasshopper Manufacture.. Again, another company that I have never fucking heard of. I seem to be seeing a pattern here. Has everybody in the fucking world been instructed on how to develop for the cell processor now?  I thought after the Discovery Channel got involved in this shit, that pretty much everyone had learned how.. but I guess I was wrong.

  Anyway, Grasshopper Manufacture (GH for short) is the newest team to jump on the "let's fuck with the cell processor" bandwagon.. and as far as I know, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, this is their first game. So let's check it out shall we..?

The Good:

 Although I fucking hate cunts that use the words "This game is a rip off of ________".  But I am actually going to use that, in a way, here.. This game is rip off of Resident Evil 4.. kind of, but in a good way. You see the same viewpoint, the same laser pointer that guides the bullet, even the movement of your character is basically the same.  But it this game seems to have succeeded where RE4 had failed.. THIS game contains actual FUCKING ZOMBIES!  Well, they are demons.. but fuck you, I like to think of them as zombies. A floating skull named "Johnson" is along for the ride, and is kind of the sidekick of the journey. The comments between the two are beyond priceless. There is a decent upgrade system, making you a bit more powerful over time.. And tits.. yes, this game has tits.

The Bad:

 The draw rendering has some issues, and seems to be on a 5 second stall. The sounds cuts out sometimes until you reload the game completely.

The Story:

 The game is the classic tale of "Guy goes into the pits of hell to save his slutty girlfriend".. Pretty much, nuff said.

The Gameplay:

 This game switches between the 3rd person over the shoulder view shooter, and side scrolling old school shooter (think Gradius, not Contra). It has a few mini-games thrown in for good measure, and each are pretty fun to play. The controls are damn near the same as the Resident Evil series, and equally tight. There are a few spots that use QTE's but they are few and far between, and well placed. There is no multiplayer aspect to the game, so that's one less thing to worry about.




The Graphics:

 This is probably the weakest point of the entire game.. Everything looks murky and shitty, and like I said above the draw rendering seems to be stuck on a 5 second pause. Certain object refuse to render, and if they do.. they look strange. The game doesn't look terrible, but it's pretty far from the 5 star department.

The Sound:

The sound.. when it works, is actually quite good. It's especially good near the end of the game, and after the credits. But the game suffers from the music and effect cutting out and leaving you with a dull hissing sound at several point thruout the game. These are few and few between, but they do happen.

The Lasting Appeal:

This is where some people are going to have a split decision on this game.. it kind of comes down to the question of "Am I going for this platinum trophy of 1000 GS?". If the answer to this question is no.. then you might want to play thru this game again at a later date. If the answer is yes.. then...

The Trophies:

Like I said, if the answer to the above question is yes.. the you will have to play thru this fucking game 3 fucking times. Yes, you heard right.. the difficulty trophies do not fucking stack for some dumbfuck reason.. so it forces you to play thru the entire game 3 fucking times. But, of course, that good.. because you will have 3 fucking chances to collect every rem gem, used for upgrades, in the game in one run. If you miss one fucking single gem, your fucked for the entire playthrough.. and will have to start all over again. The rest of the trophies are pretty much "buy the ticket, take the ride".. aside from a few "get X number of headshots in a row" type trophies. So yeah, if you plan on getting this platinum trophy or 1k GS, then plan on wasting about 40 hours of your life on it. I did manage to get the platinum trophy on this game.. and there is another one available if you import the UK version of SotD, but hell no.. fuck that.. I'm done.


The Bottom Line:

Story: 6.5
Gameplay: 7.0
Multi-player: N/A
Graphics:  6.5
Sound: 7.5
Lasting Appeal: 4

Overall: 6.3

GFGN Podcast Number 12

"This is a series of podcasts I was involved in making. If you are easily offended, do not listen to this. You have been warned."

Check out the new podcast with Warmuff, Dialgamarine, and Knightedrik.
The Grenade Free Gaming Podcast #12 by mikemicp_107

Can I Haz Free Shitz? Rant

Ok, I've been covering this subject randomly in the comments section of most of our posts this week.. but I feel it needs some extra attention.

So, in my usually grand style.. I'm not going to pull punches.

I have a question.. Why the fuck do you self absorbed now-generation shitheads feel like you are owed something.. simply because PSN has been down nearing 2 weeks now?









I am getting really fucking sick of this.. every where I go, I see this same petty bullshit. 

It's like saying "Well, I know my favorite hooker has Mono, But.. Mr Pimp.. when she gets back to full time duty.. I feel as I should get free blowjobs for the next 3 months.."

It's beyond fucking moronic that you should even think about asking for anything at all for free.

You don't ask your dealer to make your next bag fat because he's currently out at the moment..

It's not even a "rain check" type situation.. because really.. You haven't even lost anything..

The service they provide is FUCKING FREE.

If it were XBL, I would simply expect to be comped to make up for the downtime, but that is all.

Sure, it sucks that PSN is STILL down.. and yes, it does suck not being able to play with and message friends.

But that does not give you the right to act like a fucking spoiled princess about it. And that's how you are coming off.. like a spoiled bitch princess.

Have some fucking honor for once in your miserable fucking lives.  Stop begging for free shit.

I know your either poor as shit or mommy won't let you have her credit card to buy shit normally, so you probably see this as a chance to "score some free shit.."









ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME... That's all the fuck you care about.. you think your owed the fucking world on a silver platter. Well, guess what cunts.. your in for a rude awakening.

You get what you pay for, and you haven't paid for shit.  Everything you think you have will still be there when PSN comes back online.. You act like someone took all your trophies away, and stuck a dildo in your ass.

I AM happy about the PS+ 30 days for free.. I PAID for a 3 month subscription, and since it HAS been down for 1/6 of that time..   I am glad that came forward and said that they were going to give us that for free. It makes up for time lost.

What I don't understand.. Is this bullshit about all these people acting like Sony has lost "Many, Many fans..".  This is not true at all.  I am a Sony fan, and I have lost zero respect for them. This is the first major problem PSN has had in the four or so years it has been running.

Saying things like.. "Well, PSN is down I'm just going to sell my PS3 and buy an Xbox.. because I don't trust them now.." is kind of like saying, "Well shit, the power is out.. I'm going to go back to using candles.. because I don't trust the power company now."

See how stupid that sounds..

I know it's probably not most of your faults, your douche bag parents raised you in their douche bag ways, and guess what? That's right.. your a douche bag too


You are being a dick.

Stop it.

Man Vs. Wild Review (PS3)

It's that time of year I suppose..








In my book, nothing worth a droplet of shit is going to be released before November.. So, it's "Take whatever the hell you can get" time.  Personally I would love to set you all down, and talk to you about the wondrous splendor that is Skyrim.. But much like my own situation, my parents fucked too late so there's an epic wait till Skyrim is released. If your not following that logic, then well.. whatever.


So, with a heavy heart, I will do my best to give this game a fair shake. After all, alot of people sat around trying really hard to come up with a good game for people to play, and also tried to make something that fans of the show would really enjoy. With that being said, and without further ado.. Here's my Psycho Saturdays review of Man vs. Wild...




Are you ready?...






THIS GAME FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






There we go.. I've been waiting to say that all week.. Feels much better sharing that.





Well, see you next week..





Wait..





There's more?






Oh god no..






You want me to review this whole game..







GDI WTF...





Fine then...






But you probably won't like it..





I'm warning you..






If you don't want to be offended or read spoilers, then please go ahead and leave now..







Now, if your still reading this.. then it's your own damn fault.





I warned you.





The Good

The overview of this game, like the show, sounds awesome.  One man, dropped into the most harsh climates on Earth.. trying to survive and make it out alive.. sound great does it not?








The Bad

The level design of this game is downright laughable. There are only 5 levels in the game.. with each taking about 45 minutes to complete..  I say 45 minutes.. because if you take any longer than that.. you will be fucking dead.. and drinking your own piss will be the last of your concerns.

The first level alone is by far the hardest.. I was lost as hell and had to start all over due to two factors..

1.  Your health, despite your best efforts, is constantly draining down until you are dead.
 
2.  You have no map, have no idea where your are going.. and the QTE's do not trigger properly. You will have to walk around until you are DIRECTLY standing upon the spot where the QTE is triggered. Can't find the QTE? Better drink your own piss.




Levels 2 -5 are much easier.. with the exception on a minor part on the last level to where you are supposed to jump from one sheet of ice to the next one.. only you fall into the frigid waters and your health just plummets down to nothing before you can get the fuck out. And even if you make it, the game actually makes you do fucking JUMPING JACKS untill your body warms up to the point your piss thaws so you can drink it.

All the generic level design bullshit is here..


 Forest Level....  Check!
Swamp Level....   Check!
Desert Level... Check!
Frozen Ice Level... Check!


It's like Tomb Raider without tits, and designed for retarded people.  No, I take that back.. that's an insult to Lara Croft's dumb ass.







The Ugly


The worst thing about this game by far is the last 5 minutes. If you don't want it spoiled.. then stop reading here...






Ok.. still with me? Good..






This stupid mother fucker has to catch a train.. and I quote "Bear Grills Style..." 

Here's what that consists of..

Getting a rope that he magically pulls out of his ass, to make a lasso.
Then lassoing a wild horse.. which is hard because every single step you take towards the horse.. it runs away further. Once you finally lasso the fucking horse.. you must ride it down a mountain.  Bear can survive almost anything, but if you hit a tree limb the size of a pencil.. he gets knocked off the fucking horse like a candy ass, the screen goes black and it's back to the fucking checkpoint. Time to lasso that fucking horse again.

 Once you make it to the fucking train... and this is the shit part.. you must hold R2 to match the speed of the train.. when you get it to the "sweet spot" Bear will stand up on the back of the horse. At this point while holding R2 PERFECTLY, you must use the left analog stick directly left or right to make him balance on the back of the horse. Now while holding R2 Perfectly, and balancing Bear's candy ass on the horse, the door to the side car of the train will be opening and closing very rapidly.. as soon as it opens.. all you have to do is press the X button.




 Oh yeah, and its worthy to mention.. THAT THEY DO NOT TELL YOU NOR GIVE YOU ANY MOTHER FUCKING INDICATION OF WHAT THE FUCK YOUR SUPPOSED TO DO FOR THIS ENTIRE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS..




I am an expert gamer.. and it took me over 40 tries.. half of which was figuring out what in the unholy FUCK they were asking my to do....



This game can suck my fucking balls and rot in the depths of hell for all eternity.






The Trophies

 If you can stand horrible controls, decent graphics, have no map or way point, and finding a shitload of "collectables",  all while your health is constantly draining. Then this game is a trophy whore delight.

There are 7 gold, 8 silver, and only 6 bronze to collect during this shit fest.. all of which should take you less 12 hours to collect. 






So, if you have nothing to do.. (while Sony is finding new hamsters to replace the dead ones that were running PSN, those mother fuckers), or if you've just never seen a grown man drink his own piss.. then give this game a try.  Hell, it's good for quick trophies if nothing else.


Story: 3.5
Gameplay: 5.0
Multiplayer: N/A
Graphics: 6.0
Sound: 7.0
Lasting Appeal: 2.5

Overall Rating: 4.8





I would like to take a moment to ask forgiveness for my absence these last two weeks.. it's been extremely busy round here.. so to all my reader's and fans.. ahh.. here's a great big Fuck You from the bottom of my heart!


Like Psycho Saturdays?  Take a moment and sign up for the site.. Then you can comment and tell me how much of an asshole you think I really am.. or leave.. (gasps for air).. a good comment!

Shipping Rant

Hmm.. Let's see.. Just what exactly is pissing me the fuck off today? 

Well, alot of things actually, but today's number one is shipping times.

I buy alot of shit online.. So I have deliveries almost every day. Today, I awake to find that it has been 6 days since I placed an order at Bestbuy.com, and my shit is STILL not here.

So.. I get on my pc and go to Best Buy.. after navigating my way to my recent orders, I find out that they haven't even bothered to ship it yet.

Six fucking days, and they cannot simply mail a package..

Enraged, I call these mother fuckers up on the phone.. and after about 45 minutes on hold, I am told that my order can not be canceled.

What the fuck??

So let me get this straight.. they won't refund me, yet they won't ship my order.. fuck it.. time to call Chuck Norris.



I'm so sick of this bullshit.  I thought I would make this handy guide so others would know the truth about different companies shipping times.



Best Fucking Buy: These twats have horrible customer service.. and after you order.. you might see your order sometime after about 7-14 days.

Amazon Dot Fucking Com  Will ship your shit to you for free, but only if you order $25 worth of shit.  Their "super saver" shipping takes forever.. it's best just to pay them for the shipping.  "Super saver" = 7-14 days, "Paid shipping" = 4-7 days.

E Fucking Bay  If you go with a great seller with over 1 million feedbacks.. they tend to be quicker, but they cost alot more. If you order from a private seller, you might just get cornholed and never get the fucking thing at all. Ebay will reimburse you if you do in fact get cornholed though.

Wal Fucking Mart Dot Fucking Com  Pretty quick shipping for a company that has totally lost touch with not only gaming, buy customers in general. On average, deliveries take about 4-8 days, but you WILL pay full price.  They have no clue that weeks after a game has been released.. the price drops.  Rollbacks my fucking ass!

New Fucking Egg Dot Com  If you need one of the 12 games they carry, they will ship it out pretty quick.

Target Dot Fucking Com Target is a fucking joke. Do not EVER order online with Target. They sell for max retail price, and shipping takes about 14 days to one whole month.


I do order from other places around the web. places that not only have good prices.. but they ship really fast too.  What are those places you ask?  Hmm... yeah, fuck you.. the last thing I need is for the retarded general public to wipe out my secret spots.

Trophies Rant

 


 Yes this is a rant about trophies..

There's a few things about the Playstation community that just piss me the fuck off.  But, today.. I'm going to narrow it down.

1. If you don't like trophies, then shut the fuck up.
  If you don't enjoy achieving the satisfaction of knowing you mastered everything there is to do in a specific game.. Then what the fuck is your problem?  I'm sick of hearing people put trophy hunters down simply because they enjoy what they do. If it's something you like or agree with.. then just shut the fuck up and leave the rest of humanity alone. I mean, I don't come down to your job and slap the dick out of your mouth, so let us do what we want.. and you just keep on sucking.

2. Stop ranking platinum trophies..
  Some poor bastard goes thru an entire game collecting all the trophies until he gets the platinum trophy, only for some other elitist fuck to say its not a good platinum. I say fuck that. Time invested = platinum equality, to an extent.  Say someone goes thru Cabela's Outdoor Adventures and gets the platinum.. and then on the forums.. some dick is talking about how he wouldn't play that game because it's not a good platinum. I don't see anything wrong with a hunting platinum. So, let me get this straight.. running around in a small map where 10 people are just shooting each other in the face for 40 hours is ok.. but hunting down specific animals, which takes alot more skill then say a CoD multiplayer game, is no good?  Why? And that leads me to my next topic....

3. Stop making fun of people for having certain platinum trophies.
  Yes, it's funny to make fun of someone for having the Hanna Montana or Ice Age 3 platinum. I'll agree.. but most people don't understand that when this shit first started, there wasn't alot of trophies to go around. I remember at one point, all it took was for someone to say that a game had trophies.. and people flocked to it.  I personally have many platinum trophies that I am proud of, and others, not so much. But, you don't see me going around ripping people apart because of what they have played in the past.

4. Developers, Stop making multi-player trophies.

  Most MP trophies are kind of cool if they are really easy. Getting trophies for trying the different types of games available, maybe a trophy for getting a few headshots in a row.. that's all fine and good. But understand this.. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY wants to play your god damn FPS for 500 hours, for a single bronze trophy. Give them the fucking trophy early, and IF they like your game.. they WILL play it.  Getting through the fucking "impossible mode" single player story should be enough.. if they want to hang around after that, then trophies should not and do not matter.

5. Stop making fucking impossible trophies.

  And by this, I'm looking straight at you Dead Space 2.. Fuck you.  Like I have said on many occasions.. I have no problem what-so-ever with a game being really hard. But making one trophy in your game damn near impossible to achieve, is just fucking retarded. Once again, Beating the "Impossible mode" story run should be enough.. but limiting me to only 3 saves over the course of the entire game makes me want to skull fuck the developer that thought it was a "good idea".  You bitch and moan about people buying used games instead of buying new games.. but you just don't understand that if you make someone rage quit.. they will dump your shitty game for a pack of skittles. Listen to your fucking fans, they are the ones that allow you to continue EATING.. you dumb fucks.

  I could go on for days on this subject, but you get the jest of it. I will probably end up doing a part 2 to this post.. its such rich material.

Mass Effect 2 (PS3)

From time to time, a game comes along that garners so much praise that people just can't wait until it's release.  One such game is Mass Effect 2.

Now if your sitting there thinking.. "Is he really gonna review ME2?"

That's right, I am..

And for two reasons:

1. I don't agree with the massive amount of hype this game received.. and
2. I don't see any of our other editors tripping over their dicks to cover this grenade.

And now if your thinking "What the hell does he have against Bioware, First Dragon Age 2.. and now Mass Effect 2.."

Then I would have to say "Calm the fuck down.. we haven't even gotten to the review yet."

It's not that I have anything at all against Bioware, trust me I don't, It's just that they seem to be one of two producers of quality RPG's currently.  I'll give you a second and let your mind wander.. just to see if you guess who the other one is.                              If you answered "Bethesda", then you are correct.. now give yourself a cookie.

These two developers have become, pretty much, the best of the best when it comes to next gen RPG's. You have these guy's, and the other guys.. and when making a choice of which RPG to buy these days.. It's kind of like picking your favorite between two steaming piles of shit. Sure, this one's bigger.. but the other one's got corn AND sprinkles!

So, I'm kind of getting off topic, but I'm sure you get my point.  This has been coming for a while, so here we go:

Mass effect 2 Review

What we know...

What Gamefly tells us..

There is only one kind of mission in Mass Effect: the kind that has no hope for survival. Mass Effect 2 challenges you to lead another impossible mission. On the fringes of space, entire colonies of humans are disappearing. Hand-pick your squad of mystics, geniuses, and convicts, then set out on a suicide mission to find out what's been happening. Interact using an improved NPC conversation system that lets you interrupt or use force to get closer to the information you need. Fight with new weapons, target enemies with a new location-based damage system, and immerse yourself in hours of bonus content as the RPG franchise debuts on PS3.

What Bioware's website tell us..

Two years after Commander Shepard repelled invading Reapers bent on the destruction of organic life, a mysterious new enemy has emerged. On the fringes of known space, something is silently abducting entire human colonies. Now Shepard must work with Cerberus, a ruthless organization devoted to human survival at any cost, to stop the most terrifying threat mankind has ever faced.

To even attempt this perilous mission, Shepard must assemble the galaxy's most elite team and command the most powerful ship ever built. Even then, they say it would be suicide. Commander Shepard intends to prove them wrong.
Features List

Prepare for a suicide mission to save humanity
Choose between 19 different weapons
Devastating heavy weapons (that) can end a battle in seconds
Recruit a team of the galaxy's most dangerous operatives
Explore the galaxy — scan planets to uncover unique secret missions
Train and equip your team to survive insurmountable odds
Control your conversation with physical moments of intense action

Now, if you haven't played this game on the Xbox360.. then this is exactly what you have to go on. Well, this and a bunch of youtube videos made by mentally challenged people. I personally have never owned an Xbox.. so I decided to rent this game at Gamefly when it was released.

The following is an actual account of my experiences playing ME2..

The Difficulty

This game is not that hard.. their are a few spots when the word "FUCK!" is an understatement.. But for the most part it's not a hard game............. to me.

For the average gamer though.. Your going to get your asshole reamed.

Now, let me get one thing straight.. I'm not bragging about my skills or anything of the sort.  I'm just a hardcore gamer, and labels like "Impossible Mode" mean jack shit to me. I have the determination and willpower to sit through an unbelievable amount of getting my ass kicked.. and thru that I have just conditioned myself to play games on "Hardcore", "Hard", and "Impossible" modes. And I will say, this is a handy skill to have if your a trophy hunter.

That being said, the difficulty of this game is very scattered. You'll sail through about 2 hours of gameplay.. thinking to yourself "This isn't so bad..", Only then to be slapped with a mindfuck. (Fuck you Garrius, go ahead and die AGAIN you mother fucker!) These spots are few and far between, but they still exist.

The Graphics

Much like the difficulty, the graphics of Mass Effect 2 are kind of "scattered".  One moment, you'll think the game looks amazing.. and five minutes later.. you'll be asking yourself  "What the fuck just happened..?" I've seen a myriad of issues with this game.. textures not loading properly, screen tearing, lips not matching what characters are saying, landspeeders (fuck you, that's what it looks like..) completely falling thru objects.. etc.

It's feels very incomplete, and very unpolished.

The Gameplay

For the most part, I could not stop playing this game.. While not the best RPG ever, it's for sure not the worst.  Mining planets is the most boring shit I have ever done. But I actually went for the platinum for this game.. which I do not advise without a Microsoft spreadsheet, some lube, and a giant bottle of your favorite alcoholic beverage. My first run through, I was the nice guy goody-two-shoes character.. doing what I needed to in order to get all the trophies.. and my second playthrough I was a complete dickhead where all I did was get drunk, bang everyone, and then let them all die.

I had to play through the game twice for two reasons:

1. I'm too fucking cheap to buy a comic book, and..
2. I HAD to beat the game twice.

On a side-note though.. Watching Shepard silently weep over 8 caskets is one of the funniest cut-scenes in gaming history. (Or maybe I'm just an asshole..)

The Sound

This is the best part of the whole game.. The music is very rich and well done.  The voice-overs.. not so much.  It's clear they did the voice overs after they had already did the cutscenes, and then just kind of crammed that shit in.  Sometimes characters will "talk" and nothing at all is coming out of their mouths, and vice-versa.

The Story

It's not anything we haven't seen before. Typical sci-fi bullshit.  Guy recruits team, team overcomes odds, team saves the world.. blah blah blah.

The Ending(s)

I'm not going to sit here and spoil the ending(s) for anyone.. I'm just going to say this.. if your playing on "Impossible Mode", you have better have an epic fucking shit-ton of bullets when you reach the last boss. And that's not at all easy.

So, to wrap up..

Did I like this game? Yes.
Would I play this game again? Fuck no.
Do I recommend this game to others?  Only if your into S & M.
Will I be playing ME3? Begrudgingly
Will I beat this game for you?  No, Go fuck yourself, cheater.

Story: 4
Graphics: 6
Sound: 7
Gameplay: 7
Online: N/A
Lasting Appeal: 3



OVERALL: 5.4

Ebay Rant

Ebay..
Getting really tired of this shit.

I would love it if one day.. someone would sit down and explain to me why people are so fucking stupid.

So I'm bored, right.. I decide to cruise around the net looking for shit to buy. (read: games)

Thanks to Gamefly fucking me over, I missed out on a couple of games I wanted to play. So, I thought I'd check out the going price of those games on the net.

Now keep in mind.. that I don't actually give a shit about these games.. It's just the few I didn't get to play.

So.. I know that new games cost a retarded price of $60. I say retarded because on day 2 after launch, they drop in price about $10 - $15.

Anyway.. I head over to Ebay to check it out first. One of the games I was looking to check out was Clash of the Titans. I found it on Ebay going for about.. about.. $19.95 - $100.

What the.... Fuck?

Yeah, you heard that right.. One Hundred Dollars.

I was kinda shocked.. at $100.. you would expect it to be dipped in gold, autographed, and come with a free blow job from the seller.

What was special about it? Nothing.. Not a single fucking thing.

I sat in awe for a moment.

Collecting my thoughts.. I began to wonder why the fuck someone would list a $20 game for $100...

I mean, you have to pay a percentage of the listing cost.. just to list the game. And if you have a brain in your head you'd know it would never sell for that price. So, why the fuck would you just hand Ebay money, and get nothing in return?

It boggles the mind.. It's just fucking stupid.

And its not like Ebay has an anti-dumbfuck policy. Of course they are just going to take the money.

This is a massive problem on the internet. When you shop for anything.. anything at all.. what's the first, most decisive factor involved in your pending purchase?

Price.

Ok, so with the economy in the fucking toilet.. your definitely going to seek out the lowest possible price, right? Well, unless your rich.. and in that case.. fuck you. But, if the lowest price is say $19.95.. then why sell it for more than $19.95? I mean, do they even want to sell shit?

And to be fair, your probably thinking.. Well, maybe they don't know the lowest price and they think the price they are getting IS the lowest price.

Well, thats why they have a fucking sorting button on every fucking website known to man. It has options like "Sort by Price: Low to High".

And if your on Ebay, the prices are right in front of your fucking face. Now what? You can't fucking count?

Long story short.. If the commonly known price is $20.. It is beyond moronic to even think about listing it for even 1 cent more. And on a site like Ebay, you WILL NOT sell your shit. Amazon as well.

It all goes back to the fucking gene pool being too shallow.

They should make it a law, that in order to use the internet.. you need a license. And in order to get that license you must take an IQ test. And if your fail the license test, then fuck you.. no internet for you.

I seriously believe that's the problem. Anybody can get on the net. Anybody. And these days, you can browse the web on your phone.

There should be some activities that dumb mother fuckers should not be able to do.

Period.

Tomb Raider Trilogy Review (PS3)

What exactly can be said about Lara Croft that hasn't already been said?   This week we'll explore my own personal love and hate issues with the aging gaming icon.

  Like the herpes you shovel down Valtrex for.. Here again comes Lara Croft.  Although I've personally seen this bitch die over 250,000 times, she's still with us. Like a zombie from the grave, she shuffles ever forward.. Like a psycho ex-girlfriend that just can't take a hint that you don't want anything to do with her anymore.

It's Tomb Raider Trilogy time!

 The Good

 Edios, Crystal Dynamics, Square Enix, Buzz Monkey and anybody else that had $5 to throw in.. all pitched in to smooth this polygon fest out to new standards.  And I have to say.. Having played these games years ago.. It all came out extremely well.  The visuals are stunning.. especially the shadowing. Everything is much brighter than their last-gen counterparts. For the most part, Legends looks almost on-par with the newest game Underworlds. The sound is the exact same, but was pretty good to start with. So, why fix it if it isn't broke?  They even went as far as to smooth out the control scheme, so she doesn't handle like a tank anymore. I found myself screaming "You stupid fucking cunt.." far less often than I used to.


The Bad

 With the praise I've already said about this game, it wouldn't be right if I didn't mention the other side of the coin.  The size of Lara's breasts was not increased.. which might be a good thing to some people.. but I won't be happy until the bitch is packing her tits in a wheelbarrow out in front of her. Yeah, let's see you do a forward flip under those conditions, cunt.
 The collision detection is horrible. Jumping for a rope that's 3 feet in front of you, only for her to not even reach for it.. just pisses me right the hell off.  The controls are still a little strange like that, but for the most part have been vastly improved.


The Ugly

 I've seen some very strange things in these games. You'll round a corner and start thru a doorway.. only to see a doorway to what looks like another dimension in place of where the normal doorway should be, and then it will actually load the next room.  Lara will frequently talk over herself, if she is "thinking one thing and reading another".


The Trophies

 Some of the trophies in Legends are pretty hardcore.. The time trial trophies are set up so if you make a tiny mistake and die.. you will have to start the entire run again. Alot of the trophies are easier, kill a guy with a TV and you get a trophy. Kick a soccer ball into a door, you get a trophy. Trophies are awarded for finishing levels, and filling requirements like finding every single gold, silver, and bronze reward in the game, getting all the costumes.. etc. Overall, it's a pretty easy platinum.. but it will take you around 30 hours to achieve it. As far as Anniversary and Underworld go, they are a bit easier to platinum.


 So, all in all, if you are one of the 12 people who missed out on these games on the PS2.. it's truly worth a purchase.  If you have already played these on another platform, the improvements added to this version almost warrants another trip through this death fest.

 So, here's to the new game brilliantly labeled "Tomb Raider" scheduled for a near future release.. let's all hope there's another huge increase in the tits department.


Story:7
Graphics: 8
Sound:6
Gameplay:8
Online: N/A
Last Appeal: 7

Overall: 7.2

Dragon Age 2 Review (PS3)

Pop quiz.. What do you get when you take a glass full of shit, a five dollar bill, and a gay pride parade.. and put them all in a blender for about 6 months?  That's right.. you get Dragon Age 2.

Love it or hate it.. Bioware and EA went ahead and released this nearly unfinished piece of shit, just to give fans of the series yet another reason to kill themselves.

Is the game really that bad? Well let's find out..

The Good:

The story picks up basically a few years after the events of Dragon Age: Origins.. with the ability to even import your game save for sake of continuity. So, whatever the hell you did in the first game will be constantly referenced in this new... sequel.  The graffics are on par with what you would come to expect from Bioware, and have been completely overhauled since the first game. Basically a little bit of dazzle, with a healthy dose of "we just didn't give a fuck" thrown in for good measure.

The Bad:

The story itself, while not bad, still is not that good either. It's one of those games where you don't give a shit about the characters while your playing the game, much less upon completion.  The events of the Blight from the first game have damn near been forgotten in the minds of the people. I do have to reference the fact that all of the characters are bisexual, except for one.

The cast is as follows:

Hawk
The Champion of Kirkwall, bisexual human fighter/rouge/mage, evacuated from Lothering with his/her entire family in tow due to the Blight, including his/her sister Bethany and his/her brother Carver. Both are seemingly straight forward.. but it doesn't matter, because you won't have to worry about them for long.

Bethany
Sister of Hawk, and a mage..

Carver
Brother of Hawk, a fighter..

Aveline
A human fighter and Captain of the City Guard, ginger, bisexual.

Anders
Openly gay human mage, decked out in pimp clothes.

Merrill
Elven mage, dabbles in blood magic. Leaves her clan to join Hawk.

Isabela
Human Rogue, whore, huge tits, pirate, bisexual.

Fenris
Typical bullshit emo Final Fantasy-ish fighter, Elvan, moody cunt, bisexual.

Sebastian
The only DLC character so far, Sebastian is considered a rogue, human male, but comes off as more of a monk type character with a bow. The only character that won't have sausage for dinner.

A dog
What do you what, it's a fucking dog.

And there you have it, all the characters pretty much suck.

The Ugly

From a tech standpoint, this game is a fucking piece of shit.  If you can think of a problem that a game would have.. this game has that problem. Jaggies, screen tearing, shadowing issues, glitching, glitches, a few times close to the end of the game the fucking sound cut completely out, forcing me to reload this shit.  The game froze during my play about 20 times, again.. forcing me to reboot the console.

So, all in all, I would not recommend this game to a single person. I did stick around long enough to get a platinum trophy for completing this unholy slab of fuckness, although afterward I can't think of a single reason as to why.

Things that would be more fun than Dragon Age2:

1. Sticking your dick in an old fashion crank style pencil sharpener.
2. Taking a shit off the roof of the Empire State Building.
3. Beating yourself in the head with a hammer, and then telling yourself that Dragon Age Origins is the new sequel.
4. ANY OTHER RPG.

In conclusion, fuck this game.. I don't even care if there is a DA3.. because at this rate they'll probably have me fucking a goat.

Fuck you Bioware for yet again selling me an unfinished product.

Story: 5
Graphics: 7
Sound: 5
Gameplay: 7
Online: N/A
Lasting Appeal: 4

Overall: 5.6